Vicarious Love (Self-realization)

                      

                     Vicarious Love...

I was coming out of the main block to the courtyard area of my office, and she was coming downstairs with her colleagues, holding a poster while I took the first glance at her. When my eyes saw her, it seemed as if my past was standing before me and smirking.

Same appearance: colossal kohled eyes behind the spectacles, eyes with the same fathom. Sharpened narrow eyebrows, Chubby cheek, same 5’ 2'' height. Lips were slightly raised from the typical level. Only two things were different: the nose and her short hair, which was trying to cover the left ear only. But it was not the end; the face had the same attitude, and she had the same trapped emotions inside her that she was reluctant to or afraid of realizing. In those 10 seconds, I perceived her photographically in my mind.

I got stopped robotically. I did not want to stay there but something was trying to hold me back. I did not want to see her, but my eyes were out of control. They had the power to act autonomously. Neurons could be redirected externally. I had seen many girls from the same demographic domain, but she was different. She had the same power that dragged my attention for no reason. 

I felt a jolt inside to move towards her and ask if you were from Tezpur. But I was not that lost. But my mind and heart were saying she was from the same place. Whatever, I inched towards the meeting room leaving that sight behind as I did not want to get loaded by the baggage of past feelings. 

However, whenever I came to that spot, my eyes always looked at those ledges of stairs; what if she’s getting down again holding the poster in a white top and graphite skirt. But it did not happen for a long time. 

How weird it was for me; I was searching for my love vicariously. I was incarnating her image in that girl. At one point, it looked like I was doing wrong by seeing her into someone else. I was developing the same feelings for that girl or I was just seeing her in that stranger gorgeous lady . What if that lady somehow comes into my life? Then I would love her, or I would love my past in the form of that strange lady. Humans are so selfish. They use others to see their things. These thoughts were coming into my mind. How can I be so selfish and disloyal at the same time? If I loved someone, why should I see someone with the same potential feelings? How can I see her in someone else? 

But in reality, I did not have something for that strange lady, it was my past only. I moved on from this muddle and reverted to my healed heart as soon as possible. But yeah, I have engraved my pain on my heart once again and started asking a lot of ‘what if’ and ‘what else’ with my mind.

Days passed. I did not think about that unknown lady. 

But pain finds its way to reach me anyhow. I am also a good person for pain as well.

There was a gathering because of some festival-type function. 

I was there in the crowd of almost 30-50 people. I was having my snacks while I was walking, holding my plate.

I took a bite, and for taking that bite I tilted my head slightly downwards to get the snack properly in my mouth, The moment I raised my head and sight, my eyes got stuck on the paved path that was connecting to that block where I was having my light food.

That stunning lady was coming to join the occasion. She wore an oversized T-shirt, donned brown skinny but thick, full-length pants, and was holding her iPhone in both hands while watching something on the phone. 

I devoured the bite at once, took the remaining food, and gulped it down in haste. I sipped water from the bottle and finished my food within 30 seconds. I skipped a glance at her, and this time, I saw her eyes straight.  Yes, this time her eyes caught mine while I was skipping the eyes. She did not react and vanished in those half of a hundred people. I started looking for her in that crowd, standing in the same place. 

My eyes become like a Google photo scanner. It started scanning each face, but the results were - ‘no data found’ type.

After scanning a chunk of data, a signal came like ‘data found with an exact match.’ 

My hurried heart got tranquilized. My eyes took a robust break and amidst these all. My eyes lingered on her face for more than 4 seconds as it was at high speed; hence, my eyes could not realize that they should have parked a little farther from her whitish face. But the fathom of her eyes did not let my eyes go somewhere else at that moment. However, my mind helmed the situation and made my eyes look like nothing happened. But in the last two seconds, her eyes were also dragged by mine. 

It could be weird if I looked at her face for any further second. I started looking far from that crowd to that isolated field in front of that block. I wanted to see her eyes without spectacles, but it was impossible. The way she put the glass in it never let me see her eyes completely. Specs were placed slightly downwards on the nose. Hence, the frame of specs covered her eyes right from the upper edge of the eyes, and it concealed her eyelashes. It was the reason I could not see her eyes wholly. 

In that crowd, whenever my sight-lander was landing on that moon, her sight-lander was also surveilling my lander precisely. Yes, she always caught me whenever I tried to skip a view of her. Maybe she was attentive and alert. I stopped looking at her instantly and went inside my cubicle, walking the same road. 

This meeting drenched my withered heart completely. But this drenching was hurtful. I did not want to traverse back to the same edge of the ocean that threw me out of the water of love. I was diving in that ocean, but it always threw me out. But this  lady led me to submerge in the same ocean. However, this time, there was no one to throw me out. I was alone there, watching the ripples of my love that used to travel from one edge to another edge. 

In my whole life, I never stalked anyone, even though I do not exist on some prevalent social platforms. Still, I wanted to know her name and other demographic information. She was inaccessible to me, and I could not ask anybody about her as I was holding a position that was supposed to be responsible and sensible. But I wanted to know her name, at any rate. How do you find a person when you have zero information? However, programmers and analysts keep some essential intellect, too. I opened my workplace's website, went through a slew of characters, and did trial and error, and almost after 20 minutes, I clinched the jackpot.

She had a unique name, but I was right; my instincts were right. Her demographic was the same as what I had conjectured. After doing basic research, I learned that most of her traits matched my interests. 

I went through some posts on a social media platform, and I found that whether she is me or I am she. How can someone be so similar to me? I always considered myself a limited version of my type, and here she was, challenging my existence.  

Yeah! Till now, I was visiting my past in her, and now I could see myself in her. Her childish posts gave me a nostalgic experience. I started loving myself once again.

I came out of my claim of bearing unique traits, the traits only I knew. The most important thing was when I realized that her title matched mine. 

So, it was not my past that dragged my attention toward her, but it was our same frequency level; it was our same traits that we do not like partying and chilling. It was our vibes where we both used to love ourselves more than anything and one day we decided to show our love for others and then got fucked up by the person whom we loved more than anything.

Yeah, I do not know how much I am similar to her, that I am using ‘we’ here, but I can feel that she was my shadow or I was her. A shadow that might not be full-fledged, but whatever was reflected on the surface was common for us. 

But these two souls are not meant to become closer otherwise our uniqueness will vanish forever. I felt great joy. I loved myself through her. I do not know where she has gone or where she is now, but it is acceptable and a great joy for me that people like me also exist in this world who are born to show genuine love in exchange for learning a new lesson from life.

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